In response to the ever-increasing threats across Westeros and Essos, leaders of the major houses have decided all future transportation around the known world will be by armoured cart. This is to protect their interests (and their necks) from the ever more strained relationships between warring factions and potential supernatural foes (winged or otherwise).
carwow’s unique position in the UK car-buying market means it was ideally placed to expand into a new business venture – cartwow – in collaboration with Westeros’ most influential families. Representatives from Houses Lannister, Stark, Baratheon and Targaryen all helped with the design of these armoured carts and each is personalised to the owner’s specific requirements.
The cart of House Lannister
Pulled by a pair of proud lions, the cart of House Lannister is one of the finest vehicles to grace the muddy trails of Westeros. Nothing says “you’ve arrived” like Maybach-inspired Gold-plated armour, but – as poor Maybach sales suggest – it might not be to everyone’s tastes. In this case, the heavy yellow stuff comes from the finest forges in King’s Landing, and helps fritter away some of the Lannisters’ excess gold stockpile. It covers the cabin, but also forms a barrier should any rogue peasants decide to put a stick in your spokes.
An integrated storage bin is fitted ahead of the driver’s box to allow quick access to swords, piles of money or the decapitated heads of your enemies, and wireless charging for your diamond-encrusted smartbone is an option on the highest spec versions. Finally, every cart of House Lannister comes supplied with banners bearing the family’s sigil. Readers from 2015 may recognise this as an early form of the Peugeot logo.
|Powertrain||Two lions (slave-powered range extender available for long distances)|
|Acceleration||0-20mph in 14 seconds|
|Fuel economy||3.4 gallons of peasant blood/100km|
|Weight||6 iron thrones (imperial, not metric)|
|Capacity||6 Lannisters in cabin, 4 whores in storage bins (8 if dismembered and seats folded down)|
|Special features||Lead-lined storage box for wildfire incendiary bombs|
|Disadvantages||Incestuous component sharing with other cart manufacturers|
The cart of House Stark
On first inspection, the cart of House Stark might look somewhat basic in comparison to those of House Lannister and, well, it is.
Demonstrating cartwow’s unmatched capacity to supply those at all ends of the economic spectrum, the Stark’s cart shows what can be done even on a limited budget. With armour made of wood from the ruins of Winterfell, the cart represents a sustainable way to protect your family from your homicidal enemies. Adjustable reins mean you can power it with horses when you can afford to, or the odd dire wolf when you cannot. Space for two additional beasts allows for extra grip in slippery woodland conditions – a development that’s said to have inspired Audi’s quattro four-wheel-drive system.
Centuries later, remnants of the Stark’s design ethos would find their way into Dacia’s range of budget cars.
|Powertrain||Two hungry dire wolves and three-speed dog ‘box|
|Acceleration||0-10mph in 32 seconds. We won’t lie: it’d be faster to get out and push|
|Fuel economy||3kg red meat/100km|
|Capacity||2 on driver’s bench. 6 inside, or 6 +1 if you fold Bran up and put him in the corner|
|Special features||Varioflex seating increases luggage space as family members get killed|
|Advantages||Unassuming design will go unnoticed|
|Disadvantages||Even Theon Greyjoy’s dismembered, erm, member could punch a hole in the puny armour plating|
The cart of House Baratheon
Emerging proudly from Castle Dragonstone to forge a path to conquest is the cart of House Baratheon. This practical, multi-purpose cart is unquestionably the only place from which any self-respecting challenger to the throne would want to conduct a rebellion.
Its thick steel armour is great at defending from both ensconced armies and malicious wild boars. The reinforced roof makes a great platform for delivering royal decrees or for immolating religious minorities – whichever takes your fancy. Rugged and built to cope with the toughest conditions, we’d have to say this is the Toyota Hilux of carts.
|Powertrain||Sequential twin-stag gearbox|
|Acceleration||0-20mph in 12 seconds|
|Fuel economy||One burning infidel per 24 hours|
|Weight||Heavy enough to trundle neatly over the corpses of the vanquished|
|Capacity||Seats 6 + 2 on driver’s bench. Standing room on rear smoking balcony|
|Special features||Prototype passive anti-wildfire protection (ie it’s made of metal)|
|Disadvantages||About as stylish as an ‘I <3 Joffrey’ codpiece|
The cart of House Targaryen
cartwow’s final design is for Mother of Dragons, Breaker of Chains and – now – Owner of Carts, Daenerys Targaryen. This model is designed to show that just because a cart can be a platform for violent conflict doesn’t mean it can’t steal glances from Kings and peasants in equal measure.
Its swoopy, elegantly curved design offers both plenty of protection for occupants and reflects Daenerys’ image as the Seven Kingdom’s latest style icon. Pulled by two noble, Dothraki-trained steeds, the cart is one of the fastest available but, should trouble strike, her dragons Rhaegal and Viserion are always close at hand to make up for the relatively weak armour, and to provide a birds-eye view of frustratingly tight parking spots.
|Powertrain||Two Dothraki-trained horses (or two dragons in emergencies)|
|Acceleration||It can probably fly – it’s properly quick|
|Fuel economy||1 sacked city per 100km|
|Weight||Half of one of Khal Drogo’s eyebrows|
|Capacity||Six members of Daenerys’ council plus standing room in special friend-zone compartment|
|Special features||Automatic subtitle generator|
|Advantages||The sexiest way to conquer a kingdom|
|Disadvantages||Limited protection from backstabbers|
Have we lost our heads?
We at cartwow admit there are countless ways you could design a set of wheels for each family – what features would you have included? Let us know in the comments below! Oh, and if you’d rather see something ultra-modern then our Apple Car renders are probably more up your street.