These are the slowest cars we’ve ever featured on Carwow

We’ve strapped our timing gear to hundreds of cars over the years. Some of them, like Rimac Nevera and McMurtry Speirling, seem to go from one speed to another missing out those in between. Others, well… you could almost keep up on a bicycle.

So, rather than celebrating the incredible machines at the top of the league table, we’re going to take a look at the other end of the results.

We’re excluding vehicles that didn’t complete the quarter mile. We’re looking at you, Peel P50 and Nissan Patrol. We’ve also ruled out trucks, quadricycles, and anything oddball you couldn’t really classify as a car, like the Liebherr 566 loading shovel.

Of all the passenger cars we’ve ever tested over the quarter mile, these are the 10 slowest. They aren’t bad cars necessarily – speed isn’t everything. Which is just as well if you drive any of these machines…

1. Hummer H1 – 27 seconds

In first place, or last, depending on how you look at it, we have the Hummer H1. The civilian version of the military Humvee, the H1 makes most SUVs look like children’s toys. It is many things – tough, powerful, enormous, imposing – but quick? No.

They say there’s no substitute for cubic inches. Well, the Hummer H1 we drag-raced had a 6.5-litre V8 engine. That’s 396 cubic inches, with 197hp and 583Nm of torque. The trouble is, the Hummer weighs 3.6 tonnes, so even with a V8 sending power to all four wheels it accelerates so slowly you’d swear the handbrake had been left on. Its 1/4-mile time of 27 seconds puts it at the top of our list of the slowest accelerating cars.

2. Suzuki Cappuccino – 22.2 seconds

The Suzuki Cappuccino takes second place. It’s hard to think of a bigger contrast between the supersized Hummer H1 and the dainty Suzuki. In theory it’s a sports car – just a very, very slow one.

There’s actually a lot to like about this two-seat ‘kei’ car, designed to meet Japan’s regulations for tiny urban cars, restricted in size and engine capacity. It’s good fun to drive on a twisty road and makes a Mazda MX-5 seem bloated. But on a straight road, the Cappuccino is all froth, taking 22.2 seconds to cover the ¼ mile.

3. Reliant Regal Supervan III – 22 seconds

A couple of years ago we drag-raced a selection of three-wheelers. The Reliant Regal was the most sedate of them. Supervan? Super slow, more like.

Nobody would expect Del Boy’s van to be quick, but 22 seconds for the ¼ mile? On the other hand, a Reliant Regal in Trotters Independent Traders livery attracts more attention than a Ferrari and puts a smile on everyone’s face.

4. Bentley 4 ½ litre Blower – 21.3 seconds

It seems unkind to feature the Bentley on this list, but the timing gear doesn’t lie. It may have been a Le Mans racer in its day, but nowadays a 1920s Bentley struggles to keep pace with a bog-standard supermini.

The Blower Bentley was the supercharged version of the Le Mans-winning 4 ½ litre, and although it didn’t repeat the earlier car’s 24-hour victory it came close. It must be the most valuable slow car we’ve ever tested – you’ll need £800,000 or more to buy one.

5. Suzuki Alto Works – 20.4 seconds

Like the Cappuccino, the Suzuki Alto Works is a kei car, designed for downtown Tokyo rather than drag racing. It beats the Cappuccino over the ¼ mile, but not a lot else.

It looks like a shrunken hot hatch, although acceleration is tepid rather than hot. Even so, this quirky and unusual machine is good fun.

=6. Kia Picanto – 20.3 seconds

Can you believe that a humble Kia Picanto can outpace a Bentley? There’s almost 100 years between the Bentley 4 ½ litre and Kia’s city car but even allowing for nearly a century of progress it still seems wrong.

Drag racing will not have been one of Kia’s design priorities when designing the Picanto, of course. In the real world the Picanto makes a great first car, or budget transport for anyone looking for low running costs. And if you pull up beside a vintage Bentley at the lights, you’ll know you’re in the quicker car when the lights turn green…

=6. Land Rover Defender 110 XS – 20.3 seconds

The old-shape Land Rover Defender can go anywhere – slowly. It matches the Picanto’s ponderous 20.3 seconds for the ¼ mile.

We drag-raced the Landie against three modern 4x4s. Watch the video and it looks like the Defender is in reverse. It’s still a hugely impressive machine off road, even without all the modern driver aids fitted to the new Defender.

8. Toyota Aygo X – 20.2 seconds

Eight place goes to the Toyota Aygo X. This super-sensible city car is super-slow in a straight line, taking 20.2 seconds for the ¼ mile.

The SUV-lite styling looks smart, though, and the little Toyota is good to drive so long as you are not in a hurry – even if you are, the Aygo won’t be. A new one is coming soon with a more powerful hybrid engine though, so maybe we’ll test it again one day.

9. Mitsubishi Minica Dangan – 19.8 seconds

Dangan means bullet in Japanese, a misleading description if ever there was one. At least the Mitsubishi Minica Dangan can cover the ¼ mile in less than 20 seconds, unlike some of the kei cars we’ve drag-raced.

It helps that there’s full-time four-wheel drive to cope with the mighty 64hp. There’s actually a lot of clever tech packed inside this 3.3-metre-long car.

10. Daihatsu Copen – 19.4 seconds

The Daihatsu Copen rounds out our top (or should that be bottom?) 10. In this company, a ¼-mile time of 19.4 seconds is relatively quick. Compared with almost any other car, it’s tediously slow.

Forget acceleration, though, the Copen has funky styling, a folding roof, and bags of character. It’s fun to drive, too, provided you can be shoehorned into the cramped cabin.

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